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M'name is Jon Washington and I do standup comedies I prefer to do rooms with pool tables and lottery machines but if your venue has not these I will bring my own. Please listen to m'podcast Jon Reads the Paper it's delicious.
I’M JUST SAYING

I’M JUST SAYING

Episode 108 of Jon Reads the Paper, “Late Show Submission Tape Episode” w/ @dannyfelts out today! http://www.readsthepaper.com/archives/575

Episode 108 of Jon Reads the Paper, “Late Show Submission Tape Episode” w/ @dannyfelts out today! http://www.readsthepaper.com/archives/575

I Was There at That Comedy Meltdown Everyone’s Talking About

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I just saw Alonzo Thomas “Big Tommy Powellmann” Powellmann quit comedy forever until he gets back onstage next week.

Before you read all the reports flooding the blogosphere from people who weren’t at O’Grady’s Sports Bar and Video Lottery Emporium open mic last night, I’d like to give you my account, as someone who was there. Big Tommy is under siege from media bias, and deserves his fair shake.
From the moment Powellmann hit the stage, I could tell he was off his game. The 14-month veteran of standup comedy, best known for his appearance at the “Laugh Bands and Colaughstomy Bags” Showcase in the back room of Mitchell’s Medical Supply, started with his signature bit titled: “I know what you’re thinking,” which, without giving too much away, is a brilliantly self-skewering bit which acerbically pinpoints just what two late-80s hair band frontmen would have to copulate in order to produce a grown man who looks like Powellmann.
He then slid into his deeper material, in which he takes a bold look at gender relations (it turns out men and women have some fundamental differences). Clearly Powellmann misjudged what he thought was a “comedy audience,” as he was met with five chuckles from the ten-people audience, at least three of which I’d designate “charity laughs.” 
"Oh…" he drawled, "guess you guys don’t like the dark stuff." This clearly was becoming the comic vs. the crowd.
Powellmann then went into damage-control mode, putting the unruly audience in their place by asserting “what am I even doing up here? It’s all just comics in the audience,” an observation that seemed to just go over the heads of all the comics in the audience, as they were mostly on their phones.
"Ummmm…what else?" Powellmann said, in a moment of brief–but illuminating–vulnerability. Watching him flip through his notebook, it became clear that it was time to bring out the big guns. "I guess I’ll read some tweets…" 
That’s when the audience got nasty. 
I wasn’t close enough to see the whole interaction, but a woman in the second row (really the first row, since there was nobody in the first row proper) murmured in her date’s ear: “can we get milkshakes after this?” (it may have been a different dairy treat; it was hard to hear over the lottery machines by now as half the audience had turned back to them).
It was at this point that Big Tommy abandoned the tweets and proceeded to unleash upon this Breaker of the Social Contract with several well-placed observations about her weight, physical appearance, and the overall likelihood of him having sex with her (in a well-placed twist, it turned out he would, though he expressed extreme reservations due to the laser-precise weight and beauty critiques made moments earlier).
Finally fed up with the audience and this whole sordid business we call show, Alonzo Thomas “Big Tommy Powellmann” Powellmann walked offstage four minutes into what had promised to be a five-minute set, but not before burning the place down with a resigned “You guys suck. I don’t know. Whatever.” Words that rang with finality.
"Yeah, he was weird, I guess," said someone in attendance, who didn’t wish to remain anonymous but I forgot the name of. "Maybe a little angry, I dunno. I went to the bathroom partway through because I needed to go to the bathroom. I came back, and he was yelling at that lady, which was funny because it’s funny when people yell at other people."
It’s hard to see an artist go unappreciated in their time. I can only hope the other nine individuals in attendance at O’Grady’s Sports Bar and Video Lottery Emporium one day look back on that show and realize the artistic voice they beat into submission with their apathy and smart phone use.
When asked how he felt about the meltdown, Powellmann stated, “I think I did pretty good, but some of it went over their heads.”  

Michael Bay Ruined my Childhood

Hi, The Internet,

I’m writing you today to rectify a serious bit of hyperbole that’s just gone too far. I know we like to “get crazy on cyberspace,” and we can get a little carried away, but sometimes we have to just put the pitchfork down. Sometimes, in spite of our absurd fanboyism, we have to face a hard truth:
Michael Bay isn’t destroying your childhood.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve barely formulated any worthwhile memories beyond the stuff I experienced through the television set (or TV, as I lovingly refer to it when we’re alone), but a new movie co-opting your favorite set pizza-eating mutants with attitude for a set of computer-generated pizza-eating mutants with attitude isn’t “ruining” anyone’s childhood. 
Trust me. I know this. Why? 
Because I had my childhood personally ruined by Michael Bay.
I take you back, to an idyllic spring day. I was eight. I was playing catch with my dad. With a sudden blast of plasmic light, what I later came to learn was a time portal opened up, and a middle-aged man with a dumb face stepped out and clubbed by dad’s knees with a cricket bat. He then flipped me the bird and disappeared back into the rift.
I never could explain this happening, but even then I knew it had changed me. On that day, I knew I could never go home again (in a metaphor way; I did actually go home that day and lived there for like ten more years). In just three knee-clubbing minutes, I had grown up.
With no small amount of counseling and medication, I tackled my emotional demons. My fractured past lay dormant for another twenty years or so. I was watching “Entertainment Tonight” (which illustrates how, in a lot of ways, I was still broken). During a promo package for the new Ninja Turtle movie, an interview with the director, Michael Bay, flashed onscreen. “These turtles are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable,” said that big dumb face that’s haunted my sleeping dreams and waking nightmares. My vision became blurry. My friends say I went pale and started shrieking at the screen: “IT’S HIM! THE MAN WHO DESTROYED MY CHILDHOOD!!!” 
I haven’t taken solid food since.
So hey, please, The Internet, calm down about the remakes and the reboots and the rehashes. Except for “Robotcop.” Everyone involved in that double-decker turdburger should take stock of their various failures as humans in human society.
Hugs and Kisses,
Jon Washington
P.S. Ask me sometime about when George Lucas crushed my Power Wheels jeep when I was nine.

Jon Washington, Certified Hypnotherapist.

re: Craigslist Job Ad seeking Certified Hypnotherapist (we will train)

Dear Positive Changes Hypnosis Centers,

   I feel I’d be qualified for the position mainly because I love controlling people. Luv it. I’m probably the most non-conforntational manipulator of people around me, and we all know hypnotism’s well-earned nickname as the “passive-aggressive roommate of western medicine.” There was also this time my friend Graham wanted to quit smoking and he made me hold his cigarettes at a party and not give him any and I only gave him one but that was only after he gave me a dead arm.
   Above all else, I feel I’d make an excellent certified hypnotist because I wouldn’t use these powers for evil. I imagine you’ve had to weed out several would-be bank robbers and presidential assassins, and I assure you that I will not employ my powers of persuasion for anything more severe than forcing others to love me unconditionally.
   In conclusion, I feel I’d be the perfect candidate for the position of certified hypnotherapist because of my stick-to-itiveness, my intense gaze, and my inability to be placed at the scene of the crime. Please find my resume attached. Any gaps in employment are actually just gaps in your memory. FROM BEING HYPNOTIZED. 
   Thank you for your time and consideration. Look into my eyes. You will give me the job.
Did that work?
Best Regards,
Jonathan Washington
Future Hypnotherapist, MD(?)
P.S. Must I purchase my own spinny spiral wheel and pocketwatch, or will these be standard-issue upon hire? I do have my own turban, which I am ready to wear on the job, even if not part of the uniform. THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE

People Doctors

I only just recently learned that there’s a difference between people diseases and like, dog diseases. 

It happened last November, when my parents were taking me in for a routine de-worming and I saw all the anatomy diagrams of dogs n cats so I asked them: 

"It kind of seems like there might be different fields of medicine. Shouldn’t you be taking me to a people doctor?"

To which my loving mother replied, “Don’t be an ass. The doctor is people.”

As we drove home, I pressed my nose against the car window and thought that maybe it was time I moved out from my parents’. And then I tried to gnaw my stitches out, but the cone prevented me from doing that.

(Source: exda, via megatrip)

bordille:

Albert Reyes

bordille:

Albert Reyes

(via mattfractionblog)